Wednesday, June 30, 2010

DUMMY DRUMMY & DRUMMY

2002-ish I worked in a little record store in Clevedon called IN A SPIN, it was a kick-ass little place selling CDs, 2nd hand vinyl, DVD's, clothes, books and all that jazz.

One guy kept coming in, a small old bloke with super-thick Millhouse glasses (he was all but blind) and kept asking if we could get any CDs by a band called Simon Dupree & The Big Sound.


I think now you might be able to buy them on CD but at the time you couldn't. I'm a good guy and looked into getting this CD, or anything for this guy - no luck, I found out a bit about the band though.

They part of the late 60s psychadelia movement (think all those "Nuggets" CD boxed sets), were nearly a 60s smash hit (but considered a bit of a one hit wonder), even having a young Elton John play for them for a while, had toured with a bunch of cool 60s bands. They had a top 10 hit in 1967 with the song "Kites" and were only kept off the no.1 spot by The Beatles.



Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd was a huge fan and the band was also "The Moles" (rumoured to be The Beatles) and turned in Gentle Giant in later years. Very interesting career over all!

After a while I started to speak to this little old blind man (Tony) about the band and how much I knew about them. "I know" he replied once I'd finished, "I was the drummer".

For the next few hours it was coffee and questions. I got to speaking with him about the band and their times. Performances on TV, and tours with...I mean, whoa!

Roy Orbison ("lovely guy, had to borrow his gear when ours didn't show up on the train"), The Who ("Keith Moon had me up on stage doing a drum duel on the last date of the tour"), The Doors ("I always knew that Jim Morrison would go the wrong way") and so on...

Strange to see him stumble away with his white stick afterwards, to go buy some milk from the store and go home to sit in his one room apartment and wait for the day he could hear himself play again, all those years ago in a different life.

And so...

2003, just before I moved to Sweden I was playing one of the last gigs with my old punk band Mr.Zippy in Bristol. I was also working the door. Near the end of the night an old rasta guy came in smoking a biiiiig blunt with smoke flowing everywhere. I told him to put that out before he came in but he pushed past me and just walked in. So, I kicked his ass out of there! Shoved him, pushed him, old guy? Fuck you, I am Batman!

Afterwards I found out that it was the old drummer from The Wailers (Y'know Bob Marley's band) and he's used to getting in everywhere for free.

Like I said, I am Batman.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

THE CLOWN IN THE BOX

Many years ago, when I was in my late teens I was something of a drifter/problem child, living between squats and people's couches until I was "placed" in what can only be described as a "half-way house". It was a state-approved building where young people with nowhere to live or people with problems/rehab/just out of jail could live until they got back on their feet.

The gang back in the day (me crouching, left)

A bunch of my friends lived there and there was also a cast of colourful characters to boot. The guy who was the over looker of the house and us lived on the bottom floor and was an ex-con himself. He still dealt in the odd bit of low-level drugs, stolen bikes, cars and other goods. There was a 70-something year old gay pervert there, and the subject of this post. John.

John was in his mid-40s but had the mental age of a child. He was looked after by the house over-looker and given a place to live, meals etc and was a bit of a laugh from time to time. He was a child in a mans body, incapable of looking after himself.

He was a bit of a chore to deal with but really meant no harm, from time to time you could even see a sad undertow of melancholy with him. Like he should be dealing with some very grown up problems but just didn't have the capacity within him to work it out.

He was always cracking jokes, or funny insults, they would usually be the same ones over and over but from time to time he'd have me rolling about with laughter. John was a harmless, fun guy.

I'd seen him scared, it was like watching the fear of a child, I'd seen him cry and to comfort him was to comfort a child - despite his inner tragedy he was always laughing and smiling.

One day something happened and he had to move from the house, on the night he left I sat in his room with him sharing a smoke and just chatting and he started going through his stuff.

Turns out this child had led quite a colourful and varied life. For a start he had been a children's clown back in the day and was always in the paper - the town's best as it went. Loved by all the kids as essentially, he was one.


He had also set a Guinness world record and was in the book, this was in the 80s. He's told the most jokes ever in a row, non-stop. Norris was there and everything, and Roy Castle. Maybe.


Behind each line one his face was another story. Book, cover?

Monday, June 28, 2010

THE REF'S A CUNT!

A few people have been talking about it - I'm mad at it - here's my take.

Yesterday, England V Germany - and "WTF!?!?"

This is a goal:


This is what the linesman and ref saw:




Cunts.

WHO YOU GONNA CALL...?

Why is it that they have never really properly caught a ghost on tape? Why is it that I am not scared of ghosts? Why is it when all these programs like Ghost Hunters etc come on the TV they never actually see or catch anything of value? Well, that's because ghosts have something in common with the following:

SANTA CLAUS
PIXIES
THE TOOTH FAIRY
LEPRECHAUNS
THE EASTER BUNNY
A WORKING GOVERNMENT

Yup, that's that...they don't fucking exist! Now, I have an open mind and I am more than willing to say "OK, I'm wrong" if someone could just bring forward some sort of proof. A ghost is meant to be the trapped spirit of the dead that is still walking around in a certain place, often not knowing that it's dead.


Question: Why is it then that if they are ever "captured" on camera or on tape that they are always so cryptic or short. Surely if I died now and didn't know it, my ghost would be lying in bed, then get up to make some coffee, go down to the shops to buy some bread and milk then come home and watch TV, play with the dog etc. I was perfectly capable of having a conversation when I was alive so why not once I had died.

No, the only way is via a medium or an Ouija board or sophisticated science gubbins. One favoured by the ghost hunting programs are usually EMF METERS - what is EMF? It's this:

It's a hoodicky that measures electromagnetic energy. I'm not sure who decided that ghosts are magnetic. If they were surely every time they went into the kitchen all your spoons would stick to them and you could see them right away running around yelling "WHY AM I COVERED IN SPOONS!"

There are several of these ghost-hunty shows and they go into a house with a bunch of science gear. A barometer, heat seeking probes, a magnet, a spoon, Macgyver and The A-Team (just in case), a spooky lap top and more. What they don't have however is any idea what they are using or how they are using it, any proof, and solid evidence or any fucking ghosts!


There is a slue of these ghosty-hunty programs, each as evidence less as the last. My first question is always that - when investigating a spook-house, why not just turn the fucking lights on? Why film it all in the dark? Do ghosts only come out if it's dark? Bollocks. Yesterday I saw one when they went to Dracula's castle to investigate and came home with two audio recordings, which when enhanced may or may not of sounded like the wind, a mouse, a door, a creaky floorboard or....a ghosty voice! Anyone who has ever seen the Judas Priest trial, it was a bit like that.



There is even a Swedish version of these ghosty programs called "Det Okända" where mediums go into a ghosty-house and pick up ghosty messages from ghosties and then tell the family all about them.

I could do that - just give me Google before I go in.

In conclusion. Ghosts = Bollocks. Prove me wrong!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

SPIRIT OF THE STAIRWAY


I really wish that I'd thought of this ages ago, but....I'm a dick so I didn't. But anyway, lets all pretend like its 2003 again and I'm the smartest guy alive ok!

2003 - Because France decided that maybe gung-ho storming into Iraq with guns and shooting anything that moves was a dumb idea they were of course, according to America "supporting the terrorists".

They started to boycott France and all things French - even renaming French Fries "Freedom Fries" and French Toast "Liberty Toast".

Liberty Toast eh? Funny that because if they wanted to show France how much they were against them then I would think that they should have started with one of the most prominent French things in the States. If you don't know what I mean yet then....

Yup. The Statue of Liberty, actually called "Statue de la Liberté" - made in France and given to the USA in the 1800s when they were friends. Of course France had the French Revolution that inspired the USA to be free - free of a country (England) that was run by the church.

The questions never end.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

BORED...AH I KNOW!

...I'll lay into that Barbie-freak KISSIE for a change.


Either this girl needs a few lessons on how to photoshop (or just maybe some self-confidence) or she lives in a very strange house and has very strange hands!

Friday, June 25, 2010

MIDSOMMAR MADNESS

I'm writing this now and publishing it tomorrow (which will be today as you read it) because it's Swedish Midsommar - which means everyone fucks off out to their summer houses or a friend's summer house and dances like a frog round a big inverted cock while eating horrible food and drinking triple-X brand paint thinner.

See this:



...That's about right.

Anyway - It's all a good laugh and a good excuse for a piss-up and a laugh but there is one thing I don't like about any Swedish tradition and that's.....the tradition!

I love a good excuse to have a day off and a laugh and a drink with mates, that's awesome but it's all the fucking niggly-naggly shite that we're all meant to do along with it.

Picture it, you're sat down having a beer just getting cosy and suddenly you're expected to get up and run about in the forest on a treasure hunt or fish over a curtain for something or god knows what else. Or someone pours you a nice little whiskey and before you can drink it every one has to sing a song. I mean....the drunken songs are when you're on your back staring at the sky and wondering where you left your trousers surely?

It seems that a party in Sweden can't just be a party without having the right flowers, plates, food, drinks, decorations, traditions, songs, games etc....

What's wrong with a bottle of wicked-strength-lager, a bag of cheese doodles and a zombie movie? I'm 35 and a grumpy old cunt now, I can't be doing with anything else.

Glad Midsommar Fuckers!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

TODAY'S ORDERS!

1 - LISTEN TO SLAYER



I recommend (of course) REIGN IN BLOOD

***

2 - WATCH A ZOMBIE MOVIE



I recommend the new George Romero SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD or the Norwegian teen/nazi/zombie romp DØD SNØ (Dead Snow)

That is all - I'm off to enjoy the sun!


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

BREATHING FIRE; ROARS ACROSS THE SKY!!!

Just went down to the store to buy milk and green tea and found GODZILLA vs MOTHRA in the DVD bargain-bin - SCORE!

So of course, it's time to pay tribute to one of (if not THE) best film monsters ever.

As most of you know GODZILLA turned up in the 1950s in a Japanese film and since then they've been making pretty much the same movie but with some spectacular twists over and over...and pretty much each of them rock.

GODZILLA - is played by some bloke in a rubber suit and has changed looks over the years - here is some of his various guises.









At the start he was the bad guy, created by radiation/nuclear waste and attacking Tokyo until the army came and waggled their fingers at him. There is a 1950s American version which is basically the Japanese version but with Raymond Burr chucked in so that no one has to bother with dubbing or subtitles. Actually, the version isn't that bad...

Anyway, through the years the film format changed all over the shop, was sometimes dark and scary, sometimes preachy and sometimes just damn camp! He was sometimes the good guy, sometimes the bad guy and sometimes just there for no reason. He met a bunch of monsters who were from space or whatever. Here is a selection of them:




BZZZ...RAAAH!


WHIRRR-CLUNK! - RAHH!


RAHHHH! RAHHHHH! RAAAHHH!!!


SQUISHY-SQUISHY-RAHHH!


OOO RAHHH!



DIG-DIG-RAHHH!



FUCKING RAAAHHHHH!!!



HELLLOOOOOOOOO, UMMM, I MEAN - RAHHHH!



SNIFF-RAHH!



FLAP, SPARKLE, RAHHH!



RAAHH! FLAP! RAHHH!


CHECK IT! RAHHH!


Either way you look at it, although there are a few lame ducks, pretty much every film is rockin'. I can't go through a Godzilla post without mentioning the American version with Mathew Broderick, which pretty much had nothing a Godzilla film should have. Here is Mathew Broderick with Godzilla.


Well anyway, for any nOObs out there - these are the films I would personally recommend.

  • MOTHRA VS GODZILLA - For 1964 this is incredible production and introduces some of the classic monsters such as (of course) Mothra, Battra and Kosmos (two singing fairies that appear in many other Godzilla movies).
  • GODZILLA VS KING GHIDORAH - From 1991 the plot is both great, inventive and ludicrous! Luckily not the first film to feature King Ghidorah (and Mecha-Ghidora) but the first to explain it's origins.....space monkeys, duh, of course. I watched another American film of late that featured a thing that looked just like King Ghidorah - can't remember what it was called now.
  • GODZILLA: FINAL WARS - The last Godzilla film to be made (2004). A great celebration of new and old actors and monsters come into this movies - the best scene maybe is when Godzilla kills "Zilla" (The American Godzilla). Classic.



For those wanting to investigate further the wonder of the Godzilla movies I leave you in the capable hands of CINEMASSACRE - This is Part 1, check the rest out on Youtube - HERE. He runs through each and every film in a few minutes in a very fun and informative way - worth checking out!

Monday, June 21, 2010

OH YES INDEED IT'S TAKE THE PISS TIME!

Oh yes it's that time again when I have a look at the "Most popular" blogs around Sweden and well, take the piss out of them.

It's been asked "why do I do this?" well, for a start I think it's funny, and so do a few more people and that's enough reason for me! But also because these post popular girls have actually fuck all interesting to write about - and I just want to point that out. Let's light this sucker up!

Let's start with the queen of hollow existence/head KISSIE - as some of you might have already seen I've already had a bit of a dig at her this week HERE. Well, y'know if you want to photoshop yourself to make yourself look even more freakish that you already do...I'll be right there to point and laugh.

What wisdom does the living blow-up doll have to offer the world this morning? Well, she will go to the hairdresser and dye her hair. Awesome, fuck I wish I had such interesting things to write about. Well, she's got some pics of celebs that have influenced her looks so....here are mine!



Eric Melvin from NOFX was one reason I got dreadlocks and dyed some of them, but mainly it was Rodrigo from Satanic Surfers (top).

FOKI will be meeting some of her readers later. And maybe me too, although they are usually called my "friends". Great news there Foki, glad the day will be enriched because of that. And she has a winter picture. Here is mine:


I didn't even need to log into to Blondinbella to tell me that her latest blog is probably something to do with shopping. She's buying a new Ralph Lauren jacket that looks like this:



It's nice luv, although you will look like one of the cast from Grange Hill:



Just say no!

What's Kenza up to then? Well, she has discovered that she has a vagina in her armpit. The day before she was out in the sun with her boyfriend eating chips. Fuck how interesting these people are!

Here are some other things that look like a vagina.



PHOTOSHOP FAIL

Before I start my weekly ripping on Sweden's "best" bloggers, I came across this great picture of KISSIE on her blog.

Not content with actually altering her body to resemble a Real Doll, she feels the need to photoshop herself too, just....she ain't too good at it eh?




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Sunday, June 20, 2010

BUY WHAT NOW?

It was our lass's birthday yesterday so she got all a whole day of being spoilt and a hole day of laying in bed and Sex

...and The City on Dvd. In the evening we went to see the 2nd movie (when I bought the tickets they were ironically accompanied by an advert for a diet shake and a home chlamydia testing kit).

Anyway, the film was worth a few chuckles, worth the ticket price alone for watching Liza Minnelli do the "Single Ladies" dance. But for those who want the 411 on the film without seeing it - see the below clip and just replace the faces with some badly made up hooker transvestites.



With all the shameless product placement, that's pretty much it.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

MAILZ

How many shades of awesome was it when in an age before email people used to send real mails to your punk-pals along with acquired stickers, flyers etc.


Got this yesterday from 138 and it made my day - go check out his awesome blog (in Swedish) "I JUST CAN'T HATE ENOUGH"

Right...where's the dental floss?

Friday, June 18, 2010

GAMES! GAMES! GAMES!

Me and our lad Kristoffer have been hanging out at the same bar WISER'S in Borås pretty much since it opened - it's a nice cosy Canadian bar that could be an English/Irish bar and sits nicely between our apartments, shows the football, has a great bar and it might as well be our living room.

We ran HELLOFAKVÄLL! in the club next door and now we've started doing weekly music quizzes along with future nights after the Borås music nights in town.

Anyway, the awesome got more awesome with the inclusion of a bunch of boardgames etc to the bar which really made the night yesterday. Here were my faves!




That's of course JENGA, MANKALA and CONNECT FOUR - such awesomeness needs to be in a bar, and they also have this:

I've never got the game MASTERMIND but the box is just awesome right!?

Here are some more of my favourite games that I think they should add...




TWISTER! Portrayed here by some Stormtroopers.

KERPLUNK! - Draw the straws out before all the marbles fall down - loads of noise!

BUCKAROO! - Although best played with a drunken passed out mate on the sofa this game was great - see how many things you can put on the donkey until he bucks. Parent's of children who have grown up and left home have still been known to find game pieces lying around today.




OPERATION! - This poor guy, loads of stuff to remove, how good a doctor are you after a few jars?

MOUSETRAP! - No idea how you played it, everyone I knew that had it just set up the trap to watch it work - I loved the guy that backflips into the bathtub. As with BUCKAROO, game pieces are still stepped on today while hoovering.


HUNGRY HIPPOS! - This was all shades of awesome, just whack the handle as fast as you could and eat the marbles with your hippo. No one was ever allowed to play this as it was too noisy. Even more so if you shout "AHHHH HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!!!!" at the top of your voice while playing.


GHOST CASTLE! - Amazing, creep around the castle and drop the little skull into the tower to see where it lands.

I VANT TO BITE YOUR FINGER! - This vampire themed game should be a hit with all the Twilight and Edward Cullen fans eh! Go round the board and when you lost you stick your finger in the Dracula's mouth and it "bites" you, leaving two ink bite marks.


CROSSBOWS AND CATAPULTS! - I actually own this game, it's amazing. Build up a castle with your plastic bricks and fire missiles at it with a crossbow or a catapult, it's certainly one of the best games ever.


OUIJA! - Yes, this is real! Parker Brothers made a board game version of the Ouija board that you could play at home. I thought this was only in the 70s but checking out wiki it seems that they still hold the trademark and make the game! Imagine that for a pub game!


...and of course there is good old "Cock or Ball".

Sharez it fukko!